You want me to be soft...

You want me to be soft.  You associate softness with femininity.  But it isn't safe to be soft.  

I was soft once..

Do men not see?

I used to make coffee after serving you lunch.  Then make copies and take notes.  So, I would work late and do my actual job while you went home to your families.  Because we're both engineers, but I had to be after hours.  Now I'm too tired to be soft.  

You requested for my help specifically on a proposal.  But I found an error in the calculations.  There was no ROI.  Your ego was hurt, and I was kicked off the project.  A week later another man was getting accolades for finding the error and saving the company from moving forward on the project.  I watched and cheered him on for his 'find'.  Then I had to scramble to find another job since his ego was too hurt.  

New company.  We disagreed, so you started a smear campaign of me at work.  You convinced people I was crazy.  Then you made a copy of the key to my apartment and let yourself in when I wasn't around.  I had never once invited you in.  My own apartment is no longer safe.  How can I be soft?

I offered to pay for a meal... after you sat across from me at dinner and dropped your salary figure.  You were treating me like a gold digger one moment and expecting me not to notice.  Then act dainty and swoon at your grand gesture of generosity.  I'm too speechless to be soft.  

Our kids got sick and I had to take time off, not you.  If you watched the kids you were 'babysitting'.  If I watched them, it was my job.  Since it is the woman's job to be soft, I stepped up.  I took care of the kids while figuring out how to work.  My career took the toll, not yours.

And I paid child support since I was the breadwinner, too.  The pandemic hit and you sent them to live with me.  I paid child support the entire year.  It went to your new family, and you took them to Disney World.  Without our children.  That money is allowing another woman a luxury life.  I have to pay the price.  

I sent you money to pay for the boy's braces.  You pocketed that money.  Then I had to pay the dentist all the unpaid bills I had already given you money for.  I paid twice.  After you failed to inform me that you lost their insurance and all of that was now out of pocket.  My pocket.

You kicked the boys out.  I took over completely.  When our youngest graduated high school, I had to practically beg for you to come watch him walk.  It has been over a year, and you haven't seen him since.  I have had to learn to protect them from you.  I couldn't be soft.  

You are erratic in your communications.  One moment you reply, the next, weeks go by.  I know I don't own you.  I promise I'm not trying to keep tabs on you.  Or pry into your privacy.  

When you aren't consistent, it just doesn't feel safe.  My stalker, he wasn't consistent.  Just when I thought the quiet meant he was gone, he appeared again.  Quick responses, no responses, intermittent reinforcement.  Now lack of consistency doesn't feel safe. 

I'm not trying to control you or demand anything from you.  I just want to feel safe.

Then I can be soft.